Who the fuck calls their kid Alan?
It’s a tricky title if your name is Alan I admit, and believe it or not I am not setting out to offend anyone, but I just have to share this with you all.
Recently one of my best friends and I took Louis for a fun filled day to Greenwich park; one of my favourite places in the whole wide world. Louis loved it; walking around, my friend chasing him, lifting him up and playing hide and seek in the trees. At the bottom of one of London’s most iconic parks, is a children’s playground. Any parent will know that a playground is like our holy shrine, the place where our little ones are entertained, giving us some respite for at least…well 2 minutes if you are anything like me — there are way too many gaping holes in climbing frames for my liking!
Louis had found this little tunnel on one of the climbing frames; he became obsessed. In and out, in and out — that was his mission for the next 15 minutes. Then a rival entered the other side. It was a stand off. Louis was not budging and the other boy started to retreat (to be fair Louis does look like a bit of a brute so I am not surprised.)
Then it happened. The Mother appeared. A lady, I would say in her early 40’s, blonde hair, and friendly face called out “Alan, come to Mummy”.
I looked at my friend who I think could read my mind. I was in shock, I turned and said “who the fuck calls their kid Alan?”, to which my friend burst out laughing — she was very used to my sarcastic humour.
But it triggered a conversation when sat having coffee with friends a few days later about the names that are sure to eventually fade out.
I mean if you look at society now, some of the old fashioned names have made a huge come back. Take Arthur for example, it was my Grandad’s name and Louis’ middle name but many use it as a cool, trendy first name. Then there are the classics like George, William, Henry, Thomas, Matthew, Louis even.
But it’s those names that fall in between. They are not classics that will evolve and suit every generation. They are the names that although at one time in history they were popular, nowadays they are only used if it links to a world-renowned celebrity or is an inherited name from a relative.
We came up with a few names that just would not suit a baby anymore along with some thoughts that sprung to mind:
Alan (Comedian Alan Carr…baby popping out ”Hello it’s me Alan”)
Barbara (“meet my little Babs’’… doesn’t quite have a ring to it does it?…)
Barry (Actually my Dad’s name…may have to be a middle name for my next child unfortunately)
Brian (celebrity or inherited or not, surely this name is defunct already)
Deborah (ooooh Deb’s for short…baby Debs, you just cant see it can you!)
Deidre (a cute baby with huge glasses and neck veins… Coronation St reference in case you wondered)
Gary (one of my besties’ name — no offence…but hey you didn’t pass it down to your son )
Graham (Irish treasure Graham Norton could be an icon I suppose, you could have a red chair in the nursery)
Keith (May be a music fan of The Who with Keith Moon…I also have a friend named Keith but he has a great sense of humour so gets away with the dullness)
Kenneth (one of James’ middle name after his Grandads — so I’ll forgive that)
Kevin (Home Alone Fan?…Macaulay Culkin was sweet after all…don’t google him now though)
Margaret (let’s not get political, but could be an Iron Lady supporter
Neil (“Sweet Caroline”….bah bah baahhh — Neil Diamond if you didn’t guess)
Nigel (my Mum & Dad’s neighbours name…sorry Nige…you’ve always been so nice to us growing up)
Pamela (I mean Pamela Anderson of course but I am not sure anyone would be naming an innocent newborn after her?)
Ronald (Unless you are addicted to McDonalds there is no excuse)
Susan (…Susan Boyle?)
Wayne (Manchester United football fan…?)
Now if you are reading this list having selected one of these for your child then forgive me. Every name is personal to the parents, it’s chosen for a reason and in time it ends up suiting that person. I was actually going to be called Daisy but ended up as Hayley after actress Hayley Mills. I definitely don’t think I look like a Daisy (think delicate flower and cute). But it was a giggle going through this list I admit.
Names are so much more creative today, you can literally call your child Tumbleweed or Leadpipe and someone would think it was cool. Coming up with a suitable name for your most precious bundle of joy is hard work.
When I was pregnant I had a list of names I liked including Arthur as a first name, Harry and Louis for a boy, Sophia, Lily and Ivy if it was a girl. There were a few more that were getting thrown into the mix and James used to make me do the playground test. Being from South East London, you may say I have a very typical accent of the area, in other words I would fit nicely on the set of Eastenders.
Picture this, we are at a park, our little one is running around, screaming, having fun. Then he or she starts to run off and a loud bellowing voice echoes across the park, shattering the ears of all the other parents and children — “Aaaaarrrrfffffffaaaaaaaa” — as you can imagine Arthur was quickly vetoed, along with Sophia and anything beginning with ‘Th’ such as Theo!
When we found out the sex and settled on the name Louis we were happy that this would not cause any embarrassment to him or James… although we may have given him two middle names so that his initials spell LAMB — since birth he is known to all as Louis Lamb! I couldn’t resist. Both middle names have tremendous meaning though may I add.
We have joked that if baby number 2 is a boy, the middle name would be Barry, the surname Burtt…wouldn’t it be comical to have a first name like Brandon…BBB…Brandon Barry Burtt…what a mouthful. Watch this space!
And to the baby Alan we met at the park, wear that name with pride boyfriend (diva clicking the air…)
