Try before you buy — not in this case!
I have just read an article on medium written by a mother of a two-year old daughter, the title read “I wish I knew What Parenting Was Really Like Before I Decided To Have A Child.”
There was a genuine sadness to this post and I am sure so many parents reading it would seem horrified or offended, but I make no judgement as I can totally sympathise with how she is feeling.
Now let me start by saying I am not in the same position as this lady, she clearly regrets her life decisions — I do not, however I resonate with some of the sacrifices made and the changes it has on our lives.
The thing with having a child is that there is no way to ‘try before you buy’, so to speak. I mean imagine if there was, you could hire a baby for a month or so to see if you like it — you know the 2-hour feeds that keeps you awake all night, the screaming lungs of a tiny baby who can’t communicate what the issue is, your brain turning to utter mush. I know they hand out dolls sometimes for practice but, come on, that’s not realistic is it.
No, there is no try before you buy option.
Yes, you may have nieces and nephews you are close to, or children of mates that you adore but, put bluntly, you can hand them back! It’s not the same.
When you have a child, suddenly they are your responsibility; your life is not about you anymore, it’s about them. Their needs come first. It has to. You have to nurture them through life… forever. And its, well, fucking daunting when you think of it like that isn’t it.
Suddenly you think, what the fuck did I do with my time before I had kids? Your life becomes a series of events revolving around feed times, sleep times, bath times and stinky bum times!
You can’t just think, ‘I’m going to go out tonight’ or, ‘I just feel like going for a walk’. I mean you can do both, but you may need to make sure there is a responsible adult looking after your child before you leave the house or, if you are taking the kids with you, just allow an extra 30 minutes to get out the door! My 3-year old can take 15 minutes just to sit still and put his bloody shoes on!
This lady sounded massively disappointed. Not bitter. Just disappointed that she feels this way. Disappointed that she wasn’t told this is what parenthood would be like. Disappointed that she didn’t understand the sacrifices she was making, the life she was walking away from. The freedom to do what she wants. To work when she wanted. To go out when she wanted.
She witnesses friends and families increasing their families whilst she, in some ways, wishing she could shrink hers. Sure she loves her daughter, but parenting doesn’t bring her joy, in her own words she says, “I really hate being a mom.” She looks forward to the moments when her daughter has a nap or the evenings when she has time to herself. Now it is clear she is doing everything a good mother should, engaging with her, looking after her, but it brings her no fulfilment, just longing for her old life.
I really do sympathise with her feelings. I have struggled at times with focus. I pretty much stopped working when Louis was 8-months old to let my hubby focus on his new business venture at the time. So many people said how lucky I was and I know I was. Louis and I had an incredible bond and I cherish that. But did I miss working? Sure. Did I miss being able to just think of myself sometimes, yes I did.
In fact by the time Louis was 2 I realised I really needed to feel connected with my life again outside motherhood. I had lost my purpose. I didn’t have a job or a career to focus on, something that prior to having children had always been important to me.
I felt guilty having these feelings, especially when so many people struggle to have children. How dare I think this? I should appreciate what I’ve got. And believe me I do, I adore my two children more than life itself but, admittedly, I want it all and for a while I struggled to see that you can have it all. The truth is that first you need to decide what that ‘all’ is and then go get it. Yes it may not all click into place over night, but you can get there.
My realisation of wanting more led me to launching the Family Unfiltered blog back in January 2019. The blog led me to building my own website which — in turn — then got me enquires for my design work. Those enquiries led me to start working on a few projects as a favour. Those favours then led me to set up my own limited company in April 2020. That limited company has now earned me over £16,000 in revenue in the last 7 months, not bad considering I work it completely around my home and mum life. Yep I get to spend quality time with my kids (even more so during these strange lockdown times!), my eldest has two days a week with his Nanny and Grandad — who our ‘support bubble — so I get to work in between looking after baby George, one afternoon a week is carved out for me to work peacefully whilst Daddy has fun with the kids (or runs ragged after them) and then I have every night once the kids are asleep to work. Often I will be sat on my laptop until 10pm!
I am not bragging — and to be fair many of you will think this sounds damn right exhausting — but I am just showing you that it is possible to get where you want to go or at least make adaptions in your life to start allowing your vision to become a reality.
I admit that there are days when I wish I could crack on with one of my exciting projects but instead find myself modelling playdoh or sprinkling glitter. Yes there are times when I happily let my 3 year old watch a film or play some games on his tablet so I can jump on my laptop and get some things done, but hey, that’s ok. It’s working. I am lucky that I can jump in and out of work quickly and effectively. I know when I am being productive and when I am not, so I am able to have plenty of successful “chill” time too. Nothing I like more then catching up with some TV… currently binging The Crown!
As a family we are constantly adapting and changing, but the best thing is that James and I communicate really well and we both appreciate each other’s goals and wishes. I know James would work every hour of the day, as he loves what he does, but he appreciates my need to work to. Weekends are family time and as we are all at home every day, we get to share all meal times together as a family too. On the odd occasion when something exciting comes up and we need to jump on a call to a client, James and I are like a WWF tag team.
Now I have digressed into work — and that in itself is interesting — as it clearly shows that, for me, my work is a high value of mine.
Like the lady in the blog, she missed being able to pick up extra shifts at work.
Work can so often give us purpose.
But there may be other areas of your life that you miss.
So to the lady who is struggling, I don’t judge you. And I think it is very brave to voice how you are feeling. I respect you and I know that so many reading your blog will be able to resonate with you.
Having children is wonderful in so many ways, but it does mean making changes. I always said ‘kids should fit into your life not the other way around’ and, although I do stand by this still to a degree, as a parent you naturally put your kids first. So when you get invited for dinner at someone’s house at 8pm, but your kids normally go to bed at 7pm, you decline. When your mates just spontaneously ask you to ‘pop to the pub’, it’s often a big fat no! Give me like 3 days notice next time!
For anyone feeling lost or disappointed with what parenthood has made them leave behind I suggest that you sit down and really think about what it is that you miss. What do you miss about your old life? Are there ways to get it back? What is it that you want? Is it a feeling?
More shifts at work? Why? Is it for more money? More Security?
Do you want more freedom or flexibility? If so, why? Do you need space? Time to breathe? Is that it?
Now if total freedom to fill your own diary doing exactly what you want every minute of the day is what you want, well then nah, that’s never going to happen.
But when you clearly know what you are yearning for, you may be able to seek help from those around you to support you in getting some of it back. Do you have someone that could look after your little ones whilst you grab an extra few hours at work? Or can someone recommend a good babysitting service so you can go and have some time for yourself?
Getting the balance of making ourselves happy and being a good parent can be a challenge and it can be difficult to really make the effort to try and achieve what you want. But it’s worth investing in it, because it will make you a genuinely happier and a more contented person. We love our kids but it’s understandable to want to keep your own identity, to be your own person still with your own interests. It’s ok to not want being a mum or dad totally to define or consume you.
It’s ok to miss your old life. It’s not selfish. It just is what it is. But try and pin point the parts you want to bring back and over time I am confident you can get back to a more fulfilled and happy life both as you and a parent.
