The Nursery Diary of a Frantic Mum
‘Frantic’ definition =
‘distraught with fear, anxiety, or other emotion.’ Tick
‘conducted in a hurried, excited, and disorganised way.’ Tick
After months of deliberation, we finally found Louis the most perfect nursery just an 8-minute walk from our new home. It was everything we were looking for, the staff seemed exceptional, the children skipped with joy and the parents all left to get on with their days with huge contented smiles on their faces. This is the dream. It ticked every single box.
Even after our first visit with Louis in tow, we felt a warm glow watching Louis run off and play whilst one of the nursery workers ran through her checklist of everything we can expect from the nursery. She showed us little writing books that the children start to use when learning to write their name. She spoke of messy play, forest schools, book clubs; it was music to my ears. James was so engrossed with watching the class engage with their carers, jumping and dancing in a circle, I had to keep elbowing him to pay attention.
We had to encourage Louis to stop playing when our meeting had ended. We held his hand, said a big good bye to the other staff and the children comfortably and happily sitting on a mat and we burst out into the fresh air, feeling ecstatic. I swear I even fist bumped the air. That was amazing. Louis is going to love it.
What we hadn’t prepared for that like a lot of things in life, the dream vs the reality is often worlds apart and Day 1 of Louis starting on his new adventure was going to leave James and I in a complete whirlwind of tangled emotions — this was going to be one big emotional rollercoaster that would take us to the edge of sickness, tears and panic. Oh f**k, we better strap ourselves in and hold on tttiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhttttttttttt!
…
Nursery Day 1 — Tuesday
This was the first session of Louis’ bedding into nursery schedule. One whole hour 9am-10am. The night before I had butterflies, a tension knot in my stomach that was a mixture of apprehension — will he enjoy it? and I guess, being honest, an anxiety of change. Yes, I was excited for this new venture in Louis’ life but it also signified time — how fast he was growing up and what I was now going to do with mine.
In the morning I felt better. We had breakfast as normal and starting talking to Louis about nursery but, being honest, he wasn’t really aware of what was going on.
James was working from home so that we could both walk him to nursery together on his first official visit. We decided to take a slow walk and visit the park right next door to the nursery. It was nice; the air was fresh, Louis was laughing, James was chasing after him and I was just sat waiting for the inevitable. Impatient. Ants in my pants, so to speak.
We got to the nursery a short while later and rang the bell. One of the nursery workers who Louis had bonded with on his first visit opened the door. He walked in and seemed to be ok. He walked off to play with the kitchen and was met by another nursery worker, an older lady with a very kind face. She took him by the hand to see if he wanted to sit for story time on the mat with the other boys and girls. This seemed to jolt Louis; clearly he doesn’t deal well with being forced into a routine. At home he gets free rein pretty much plus, although he is ridiculously loud, he can be quite shy… a bit like me actually!
I said we were leaving and he came over and nestled his head into me, that’s when I knew we were in for trouble. One of the staff took his hand again so I said goodbye; I’ve got this thing where I have to say bye, I’d hate to just disappear and him not know that I had gone.
But this set him off on a major crying fit. I could hear the screams as we left. It was utterly horrible. I stood outside the nursery listening to him, feeling awful. Are we bad parents? I mean its just not natural to leave your child with a stranger, feeling abandoned is it? The voices in my head were in overdrive. I was freaking out. James said I was torturing myself and dragged me away to do some keep fit in the park …this makes me sound like a super active Mummy, sadly its not the case, but hey, I am trying… hence letting James put me through my paces. It was actually a welcomed distraction.
About 10 minutes later I received a text message — it read:
“Good Morning Hayley. Just to let you know that Louis has settled quickly and is playing in the home corner and also with the trains and small world people. See you soon. Many thanks.”
Suddenly I let out a huge breath. I must have been holding in a lot of tension. Relief spread over me like goosebumps.
Thank fuck for that. James gave me the ‘I told you not to worry’ look but then admitted that he had been shitting himself too!
28 minutes later after several squats, push-ups, planks, lunges and jogging the phone beeped again.
“Hi Hayley, Louis is becoming unsettled not sure if you wanted to make it a shorter session for him today? Thanks”
Oh damn.
Without a seconds thought, James said “I’ll go ahead” and sprinted off in the distance. I picked up our mats and hobbled along, my body aching from the unfamiliar feeling of exercise. People do this for fun?
When James had arrived Louis was sat on one of the nursery nurses lap. They were reading Peppa Pig, as soon as Mummy Pig was mentioned Louis started to wail. He spotted James and the outpouring continued.
I finally caught up and gave Louis a big hug, slightly out of breath and panting, all the time conscious to be upbeat and happy about his experience — and not fall into the “my poor baby, I’m never leaving you again” reaction.
I told Louis we were going home and to say bye to everyone, he was clutching a toy carrot, which he refused to let go of …for the rest of the day in fact! The nursery told us to take it and bring it back next time.
On the walk home Louis was quiet, still catching his breath every few minutes after his hyperventilation crying session.
I felt disappointed. It took me back to the time we put Louis into a Virgin Active gym crèche …10 minutes later he came out inconsolable. Not the best idea I had at introducing Louis to childcare!
Tomorrow he has a second 1-hour session and I am dreading it. I know eventually he will become comfortable and love it; it is just going to take a bit more time then we initially thought. I am lucky in the respect that I do not have to rush off to go to work, so I can be really flexible and add or takeaway time depending on his mood. Let’s hope I get some sleep tonight.
…
Nursery Day 2 — Wednesday
Today’s session was at 3pm, which meant I had all day to sit and stew about it. I had a headache, courtesy of the new cleanse diet I was currently doing and I was feeling anxious. I had it all planned out. Take Louis to my friend’s house to tire him out, give him an early lunch, so that he has an early and long nap, waking up refreshed and happy. The reality; we were unable to go to my friends house and so we played at home instead, colouring in, trains, puzzles and giant buttons (a game that Louis has become obsessed with — I find them everywhere). I went with the early lunch and at naptime, Louis laid on the sofa all cosy with his dummy and blanket. Nailed it.
Or maybe not. 30 minutes later, Louis was still awake. 1 Hour later; Louis still awake. 1 ½ hour later Louis was still awake and by now I risked his naptime crossing over with his nursery session and, I don’t know about your little ones, but if Louis is woken early from a nap, it is a roll of the dice, either happy as Larry (who actually is Larry?) or like a mini beast unleashed.
So after 90 minutes of fidgeting, laughing and messing around, I gave up. He was not sleeping today. Now panicking that he will be over-tired I made arrangements to take him to nursery a bit earlier. 2:30pm, time now 1:35pm.
I kept telling Louis he was going to nursery to play with the other boys and girls, he said “No” a few times but, considering that’s his word of the month at the moment, I was not surprised. He seemed to engage with me when I mentioned some of the staff names and that we had to return the carrot. Maybe this won’t be too bad.
So I got him dressed and off we went.
He seemed happy… ish.
Suddenly the nursery came into view and immediately he started to pull away. I started to have that sick, nervous feeling bubble inside of me. My legs felt wobbly and weak. How pathetic am I!
I asked if he wanted to ring the doorbell and he started to cry. Oh, fucking hell this is dreadful.
One of the familiar nurses answered the door; she was not there the day before but had been briefed on Louis progress.
She looked at me with sympathy and, as if she could read my mind, she said “it will be ok.”
I asked Louis if he wanted to give her a cuddle, he didn’t. I told him he needed to give the carrot back and go and play. I mentioned that the other Nursery nurse had said he could play with trains; like a pro she started talking about Thomas the Tank and Louis ears pricked up a little. So I passed him over, watched the tears and agony in his face as I walked away. I can still see those watery eyes staring at me.
I could still hear him screaming as I left to get in the car.
I hovered outside, I don’t know why I like to torture myself,f but it seems I do. I called James, no answer. I next called my Mum who comforted me by telling me that she had the exact same thing with me when I started nursery. Ok so this IS normal.
Suddenly the black cloud that was looming not just over me, but in the sky, broke. The heavens opened, torrential rain. I ran to the car but couldn’t find my keys. By the time I navigated the door, I was drenched from top to bottom. I had to laugh. It was either that or burst into tears. I felt winded, like I had been kicked in the stomach.
James called me back, I could hear that he shared my pain but he tried to cheer me up, reassuring me that everything would all be fine.
So there I was sat in my car. Wet. Emotional. I really, really wanted to cry …but I stayed strong.
I drove home, put the kettle on and carried on writing this very blog… whilst watching The Greatest Showman in the background; seems that’s a good film to lift the spirits.
Let’s see what happens when I pick him up in 22 minutes!
I received a text message 6 minutes later. It read “Hi, Louis cried to begin with. He did start to calm him down with the trains and wooden blocks. He has now fallen asleep”.
Bugger. So the no afternoon nap caught up with him.
Back in the car, still damp from the rain. I turn up at the nursery and am delivered a sleeping Louis… he had a really sweaty head, probably from the over eccentric screaming!
What was marvellous was that the manager and one of the nurses who had been playing with Louis that day put me at complete ease. Informing me that this behaviour is very normal. They said because he is older he is more aware of what is happening. They even joked that they have children that make themselves physically sick because they get themselves in such a state — next step perhaps?! They talked me through a new, longer bedding-in programme, Louis was due to start full time from the Thursday, but they suggested 90 minutes maximum and then offered me an extra session on the Friday, which was fantastic.
I spoke to one of my best friends who is a Child Minder and also my ‘go to’ person all things children related… I wonder if she minds? She also mirrored what they said. She said that he was at a tricky age where he understands exactly what is going on; where as young babies usually don’t care as long as they get cuddles and milk. She warned me that it may take a couple of weeks, so I am prepared to keep myself strapped onto the rollercoaster for a bit longer.
…
Nursery Day 3 — Thursday
James dropped Louis off and suffered the same gut wrenching pain when he approached the nursery and Louis tugged away. He parked up the pram and fetched Louis who was now trying to hide in the corner of the pram park.
Once in James’ arms he clung around his neck like a little baby monkey frightened of taking its first jump. The nursery worker had to physically extract Louis from him, screaming and crying.
James left, feeling awful. At least we were both sharing the experience — only fair right?
He called me to say he was going to stay nearby and do some work on his phone. Seems it wasn’t just me who felt the urge to stay close.
I then got this message:
“Good morning Hayley, Louis settled really quickly and is exploring with the Playdough, many thanks.”
That’s a great sign!
19 minutes later I received a call — the name of the nursery flashing on my phone — my heart sunk. Panic panic panic.
The manager was on the line, “Don’t panic” she said instantly, “all is fine.”
And breathe. What is wrong with me?!
She started talking telling me that Louis was doing really well. She had given him lots of cuddles and walked him around the nursery so he could explore. He had taken out his dummy, and was now playing with shapes. She had observed how clever he was, which is always nice to hear. She was simply calling to ask me to leave him there for longer until 11:30am, just before they served lunch. Hooray! This is a big step forward. She explained that it can sometimes be the routine parts of the day like eating lunch that are harder to get used to, so deciding not to leave Louis there for lunch seemed a good decision.
James collected him that day and when he walked in, Louis was happily playing with the other children. “Hello daddy” he said, and carried on playing. It was only when some of the other kids found James entertaining that he followed suit and wondered over.
James took him out and brought him home. He was all smiles.
We’ve cracked it.
…
Nursery Day 4 — Friday
Ok, so maybe I was getting a bit ahead of myself, as today even the mention of nursery is sending Louis sobbing. Having woken up and been blessed with that time of the month, my emotions were on the edge. James identified my weakness straight away.
“Oh god. Today is going to be worse.” I said.
James made the decision and took charge. “Louis shall we go to the park before nursery?”. Bless, James is going to take one for the team again today — Mummy is off the hook. Louis perked up for a split second but was still not overly enthusiastic.
I put his jumper, shoes and coat on.
James got the pram and took him off. Carrying him as Louis had done his standard thing of wanting to sit in the pram and walk at the same time, resulting in him going nowhere! So being carried moaning was the best option.
Today Louis was going to stay until 1pm.
What staggered me the most was how time seemed to quadruple.
Minutes felt like hours.
Imagine what I will achieve when he goes there all day!
James and I both went to pick Louis up. When we arrived we peeked through the window and could see him sat quietly with the other children watching something on a big screen, this is their chill time after lunch.
He saw me through the window and immediately started crying.
But I was told that he had had lots of fun. Mud garden, building blocks and they had also had an athlete guest there doing sport and jumping with them. He was shattered. I was surprised he could even stand up.
That day was the longest ever. After he woke from a nap we played, had dinner, did bath and bed routine and by 9:30pm, I had had enough. I went to bed.
…
Unfortunately the weekend was a bit of a disaster. We were due to have Nanna (aka James’ Mum) come and stay for the weekend but we had to cancel all plans when the Burtt household came down with what now seems to be a 48 hour bug. After devouring two dippy eggs and toast, an hour later, Louis projectile vomited over the whole of the downstairs — living room, hallway and kitchen. James was also feeling sick and I felt like I had symptoms of flu, aching from head to toe and shivery.
Most of the day was spent taking it in turns to nap on sofa. Well James and I anyway, Louis had actually perked up after his initial sickness. All that week since starting nursery his appetite had been a bit off, and normally Louis eats a normal adult size portion of everything. I now definitely think it was more of an underlying illness that caused this instead of the trauma he was facing daily, which made me feel better!
On the Sunday James and I decided we needed to force ourselves out of the house for some fresh air. We asked Louis if he wanted to go to the park, he went all sheepish and burst into tears. Great. A once happy place was now anchored to his nursery. Ok, Duck Pond it is.
Tomorrow is going to be interesting!
That night I felt so nervous, like the feelings I used to get when I dreaded to go into a job I hated on a Monday morning. I had not planned for this amount of anxiety, I am always someone who thinks about the positives, so to be hit with the tough reality that Louis was struggling with the change, was playing on my heartstrings massively.
Also whenever I have left Louis in the past it has been either with James or my Mum and Dad. I know he is safe and happy. I trust them with my life and Louis.
But nursery is different. Although you of course want to trust them, like anything in life, trust has to be built. So handing your child over to strangers is a weird, uncomfortable and somewhat unnatural situation.
James gave me a much-needed kick up the arse and helped me identify that it’s not actually nursery he doesn’t like, it’s more the separation from me. That made me feel better. And he was right.
…
Nursery Day 5 — Monday
I found it hard to relax that morning but I forced myself to be bright and upbeat.
This time when I left him at the nursery, although he had cried, he had helped ring the doorbell and also took the hand of the manager who had come outside to greet him. By the time I left the premises I could not hear him crying.
Having still been feeling a bit poorly I did not make the most of my first long day childfree. My Mum came over and I let her watch the Netflix series After Life — its a writing masterpiece — heart-warming, sad and utterly hilarious at the same time. I just sat, half watching, half looking at the clock wondering what Louis was doing.
It’s such a typical trait of a parent. You look forward to having some ‘you’ time and then spend that ‘you’ time wondering what your little one is doing!
My mum came with me to collect Louis. When we arrived the kids were all playing in the garden. I went over, creeping up like a lion hiding in the jungle before jumping on its prey. I couldn’t see him at first and then there he was. Almost camouflaged with his green t-shirt and the grass, running around laughing and smiling. It was as if I was watching him in slow motion, the joy filling up inside me.
Then like a rabbit caught in a headlight, he saw me.
Our eyes locked.
The happiness turned to confusion. The confusion turned to yep, you’ve guessed it‚ crying his little eyes out.
He was by my side crying and needy in nanoseconds.
I was informed that he hadn’t had his afternoon nap because he had found the sleep room a bit daunting. He had eaten a bit, mainly snacks. A few times he seemed to get a bit tearful, but it was when they were changing routine; all positive feedback. They were really pleased with how well he was doing. I now had the visual knowledge that the little boy I saw running in the garden, was happy, not sad or distressed, and that is what I need to cling to.
He held my hand tightly the whole way home whilst trying to eat a penguin that nanny had provided — good old Nanny with her treats!
…
Nursery Day 6 — Thursday
I knew today may not be easy as the day before, suffering with a bit of a sniffly cold, Louis was very clingy. Too clingy in fact that when walking around the supermarket and hearing “Mummy, mummy, mummy” for the 100th time I snapped. “I am literally right heeeeerrrrrreeeeeeee!”.
I started talking about nursery and explained we had to take his Peppa Pig book back that they had sent him home to read. He didn’t seem too bad. There were a few bouts of moany cry but it was definitely more, ‘not getting my own way’ as opposed to genuinely upset or scared.
As we got in the car the moaning got more intense; a dull whiny cry. It lasted up until the time I left.
He didn’t skip in by any means. He didn’t particularly want to hold their hand. But he walked in aimlessly and I just turned on my heel and left, quick as a flash. I’ve learnt my lesson, they will call if any issues.
I had until 3pm without Louis and I was going to make the most of it. Well by making the most of it I mean I got through two loads of washing, changed all the bedding, tidied the house, made lunch, worked on my blog, did some home admin, went to the shops for food and drank about 4 cups of tea! I am sure I can think of better ways to spend 6 hours in future.
I text the nursery at 2pm to ask if I should still come at 3pm or if I needed to come earlier or later. They said to stick with 3pm. He had been a bit tearful that morning and again refused to nap so better to collect when he was feeling ok.
When I got there I had the usually crying, but it was a much shorter version. Louis had had loads of fun. He had done lots of painting, I could tell by the amount up his arm and t-shirt (so that’s why they say ‘old clothes only’). He had been pretend playing making all the staff cups of tea. He has also taken a shine to the manager and even knocked on her door to find her when she was busy doing paperwork. That made me giggle; typical of Louis to suddenly want your attention when you have something else you need to do.
Today was the first time he actually started talking about what he had done, reminiscing to Daddy when he got home from work. It was really encouraging. I kept asking if he had fun, and to my surprise, at last the word ‘No’ was replaced with “yes”.
…
For us the journey is still very new but I am confident that with a bit of time Nursery is going to turn into a part of Louis weekly routine that he absolutely loves and thrives in. Just now he even called me one of the nursery workers name …not sure if I feel happy or betrayed…? Ha ha
I have to say as well that the nursery staff have been outstanding, constantly putting James and I at ease and most importantly really caring about Louis. They see him as an individual and are there to care for his individual needs. He is not just a number, he is a new little character in their beautiful nursery family.
To be continued…
