The Importance of Rejuvenation
I wrote the below blog back in January, now to give it some context I was out in Australia with my hubby James and the little one Louis, after James’ kidney donor operation to my brother. Prior to our trip I had been going through a bit of a strange phase of feeling a little bit trapped and lost. I realised that I had forgotten the importance to having regular ME time. Being a stay at home Mum, I seemed to have let the role consume me on all levels. I gave myself the identity that my needs were not important and I felt guilty about doing things for myself. The stupid thing is that it was all in my head and I consistently put obstacles in my way that stopped me from having freedom. Freedom — that sounds heavy and in no way is parenting a sentence (well some days maybe), but since being a Mum I now realise the elatedness you feel when you are without your kids but knowing they are safe and being looked after by someone you trust. It literally rebuilds my soul every time. I wonder if any of you can relate.
14th January 2019
Sometimes I just want to shut my eyes and stop thinking.
Being a parent is hard work.
I always knew that physically it would require a huge amount of running around after the little one, guiding them step-by-step through life. But it’s the mental exhaustion that has left me staggered.
Every second of every minute of every hour of every day, there is someone else to think about.
My priority list goes No1 Louis, No2 my husband James and then there’s me. Thoughts consistently ‘What does Louis need?’, ‘What’s the hubby up to today?’ and then me — bottom of the pile, social life and identity forgotten.
It sounds rather dramatic and maybe I have exaggerated but to an extent it’s true. So often as parents we give all ourselves to our children, and those little monsters literally drain the energy out of us like small blood sucking vampires (too much?).
A few weeks ago, after putting Louis to bed I was sat on my sofa and saw an advert for ‘The Star is Born’. The trailer was gripping and I am a huge Bradley Cooper fan (I embarrassingly have a magnet of him on my fridge…which I did not buy myself might I add). Casually I said‚ “I really want to see this film” and as if the moment in time stood still, James simply replied “Why don’t you go tonight?”
What? Tonight? Could I? I mean it was only 7pm, Louis was fast asleep and James has given me permission (I don’t need it of course but it’s just how I feel sometimes). Suddenly the feeling of freedom was creeping in.
Why the hell not, let’s do this, fist bumping the air. Woo Hoo!
So I checked the local cinema, 8pm showing. Text my friend Katrina, we have a #spontaneous joke when we do things off the cuff… but as much as we try it rarely happens! She was in, yay, girls night.
And as easy as that, a few minutes later I was sat eating popcorn watching one of the most epic films of 2018 (if you haven’t seen it I highly recommend …but be careful as the soundtrack is addictive and trying to hit those Lady GaGa high notes is ridiculously hard!)
The point to all this was how rejuvenated I felt. Not just from watching a great film, but just having some ME time. Time I didn’t even know how much I must have needed.
As soon as I left the house it was like I was walking to my own uplifting soundtrack. There was a bounce in my step and a feeling of weightlessness.
But most days I deal with being encumbered by my role as a mum and a wife and as a people pleaser, I always put others before me, quickly forgetting the importance for me to plug myself in and recharge for me and me only.
I am extremely lucky to have parents that happily look after Louis if asked which has enabled me and James to spend some lovely weekends away together.
And James on several occasions has happily taken the reins so I could go away, last year for instance there was my sister-in-laws hen do, my sisters 40th birthday trip to Venice and my annual reunion with a bunch a friends who I used to work overseas with as an entertainer — this year was Blackpool …wow what a place!
But apart from these weekends, any other child-free time was because I had to get some work done on my property company that I am now in the process of shutting down, not to unwind and relax.
James and I have always socialised together but now I completely understand the desire to divide and conquer. And to be honest, going out and doing something for me is also just as important as me and James having quality time together.
Now some of you may be reading this thinking, ‘Is she fucking joking? She has just mentioned about 3 weekends away’, and as I said, I am not complaining. But it’s more the need to have regularly periods to recharge.
Maybe I need a hobby. I have said for two years now how I would like to get back into tap dancing …although I am one of those people that has no sustainability when it comes to exercise. For example, a few summers ago after one enjoyable swim in my communal swimming pool, I convinced myself this was going to be my thing so I went out and bought a speedo swimsuit and swimming hat; my hair is quite thick and I couldn’t end up looking like Tuna Turner everyday. But the swimming hat never made it out the pack, apart from on a few occasions where my friends Chris and Sam tried to get me to try it on for a laugh.
Or maybe I just need to stop feeling so ridiculously guilty for wanting to go out by myself and just do it. Even if it’s just to walk around the block or pop to the shops. James works and brings home the bacon (what an awful saying), but he is fortunate in that he loves what he is doing. He gets to travel, engage with people; he goes to the gym every day and if he has somewhere he needs to be, he goes. I have convinced myself that I don’t have this privilege, but it’s just not true. Us stay-at-home parents need to stop putting ourselves in cages and so often I am sure it is us doing it to ourselves.
Yes I may have to work around some schedules but it is possible and it may just mean I need to be a bit more organised and plan ahead.
But I am confident that having a little bit of switch off time will go a long way for any stay at home parent. It is important to still do something for ME.
So from now on, I’m going to have some more Hayley time. Watch out friends as I’ll be coming for your diaries. Who knows what I will get up to. Bottom line is that it doesn’t matter as long as it gives me a moment to relax, switch off and rejuvenate.
I am so pleased to say that since writing this I have made some significant changes. The main one being my two days a week of child free time when Louis is at nursery. I am still adapting to the headspace but I have used the time wisely so far by doing some accounts for my previous property company, shopping (when there is no child to get bored its quite dangerous!) and I have also spent time having coffee with friends which has been lovely. I have also had a date night with some of my girly friends at a delicious Thai restaurant (my favourite cuisine) and me and my sister Katie watched Hugh Jackman at the O2. He was incredible; I mean I was all prepared to let him off some bum notes, because, well it’s Hugh Jackman of course, but boy he can really sing.
The last massive change; is my tap shoes. James treated me to a pair in acknowledgement that he was happy to work around schedules so I could start doing a hobby I enjoyed. To date they are still sat in the box, but I have found a local class just 10 minutes up the road …I just haven’t attended yet. One step at a time …or in this case one ‘shuffle hop step’ at a time! Rubbish joke if you don’t understand tap.
Anyway currently I am pleased and I feel good.
If you are sat reading this thinking it’s about time you had some quality time, I challenge you to do it. Go see that film you have seen the trailer for, take a new class, sit down on your butt in a coffee shop if that makes you happy — whatever it may be — just rejuvenate.
