Flying poos and shitting flamingos; the top 6 kids games this Christmas!
I mean is it me or have the kids toy market gone fucking bat shit crazy. Forget the ‘hottest toys for 2020 list’, this is the ‘what the fuck is this shit? toy list’.
Every day I get the pleasure of watching Disney Junior with my 3-year old, normally in the morning whilst he eats his breakfast and in the afternoon whilst I am back and forth getting the dinner ready — you know the drill, the juggling act where TV is the babysitter.
On this channel, like most kids channels, there are toy adverts galore, each one aiming to entice our little ones into begging us to buy them.
Lucky for me Louis is not that interested in most of them and even shares my view that some of them are just damn right stupid.
When I was little I remember having toys such as Barbie, Fuzzy Felt, Rainbow Brite, Skip-it, Etch-A-Sketch, Transformers, Speak and Spell and games such as Screwball Scramble, Buckaroo, Operation, Kerplunk, Game of Life and Frustration.
But some of the toys advertised are fundamentally ridiculous and I find it hard to believe why anyone would part with their hard earned cash to buy them. I have picked 6, all of which are currently on sale in major retailers. To be fair some of them probably would be quite good fun in the eyes of a child, I am sure if Louis had the chance he would enjoy the silly fun!
So here goes:
Burping Bobby
In this children’s game you feed the hippo and turn the handle, but be careful not to overfeed him as you will be met with a terrible green belch. Yep this battery operated emits real lights and steam when he burps. The marketing copy even says ‘when Bobby opens his mouth you better run!’. I mean in theory I suppose I can see the humour in this, and Louis was looking over my shoulder when writing this and looked intrigued. Maybe they should add an extra smell for the senses. Imagine if the green mists smelt like rotten fish! That would get them running!
Windy Knickers
No we are not talking about farting here or ‘popping off’ as I encourage Louis to say, no this game involves Granny hanging out her frilly undies on her washing line. You roll the dice but if you roll a storm, the washing line spins and Granny loses her undies. Now the thing that caught my eye was actually the undies. I mean fair play granny, that’s a rather colourful and playful bra and knickers collection — not gone for standard plain beige!
Greedy Granny
Whilst on the Granny theme, this game is encouraging our children to steal from their grandma, a valuable lesson? MMMM not so much, ha ha. Don’t worry I am not getting all angry parent and realise it is a game. But the premise is that grandkids roll the dice and steal Granny’s biscuits whilst she is sleeping. But if she wakes whilst you take a biscuit and catches you, you have to put them all back in the tin. Not only that you will get the fright of your life as Granny’s false teeth fly out of her head and onto the floor. I actually have a funny story about false teeth and know the weirdness of watching them fall out of someone’s face. It was when I worked on the bakery counter in Waitrose when I was 16, an old lady came to the counter asking for a farmhouse loaf. The force of the word ‘farmhouse’ sent her false teeth flying into the chocolate gateaux on the patisserie shelf below. Needless to say my nervous laughter kicked in and I had to walk away crying with laughter, leaving my co-worker to deal with the situation!
Got to Go Flamingo
Yep a flamingo that you feed and then takes a massive shit on a toilet. What every child has dreamt of right? I just don’t understand the appeal. When did flamingos become a go to children’s pet? And more importantly, why would a child just want to watch it pooing? Do we all go to the zoo and head for the encounters where animals are defecating on themselves? (If you are thinking yes by the way then there is something wrong with you…) This toy has three main functions, a wobbly neck that moves when the Flamingo is fed it’s magic food, a sing-a-long catchy ‘got to go’ song for all the family to sing and then the piste de resistance, it takes a shit.
Gooey Louie
A couple of days ago Louis was sat on the toilet talking about his eyes popping out. It suddenly dawned on me that he was relating to the game, Gooey Louie. You pull bogies from Louie’s nose until the person pulls one out and his brains and eyes come flying out. How charming! I suppose that backs up the lesson we got taught when we were little, ‘don’t pick your nose as your brain will fall out’? Or was that just my Mum….? To be fair I had a brother who loved a good nose pick (sorry Steve had to throw you under the bus there!).
Flushin Frenzy
I mean add this to your Christmas list; this has family fun written all over it! When it’s your turn you get to roll a dice and then plunge the toilet the same amount of times as the dice days. But be careful, as the stool (as worded on their website) I would say large shit that looks like someone ate too many peanuts, comes flying out of the toilet. It gets better though. If you catch the air-bound shit you get two extra tokens!!! I mean lets put this into context here; you are catching a shit from the toilet. What the actual f**K! That would be a great day when you return home to find your kids all stood around the toilet fighting over a stinky turd, hands squelching with poo lava!
Well I hope this has enlightened you as to what’s on the market for your kids these days. If anything they are certainly humorous and as I said above, I am sure Louis and other kids would actually enjoy them given their immense stupidity. If you are on board with some, get it ‘on board’ (clever play on words right?) and maybe want to add one to your Christmas list I have included the links below…and no I am not getting commission.
But if you buy the shitting Flamingo, shame on you.
Burping Bobby
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Goliath-Games-31273-006-Burping-Bobby/dp/B087MVYZ3C
Windy Knickers
Greedy Granny
Got to Go Flamingo
Gooey Louie
Flushin Frenzy
